Dandelion

Dancing with a wind is a grace as it will fall you into a strange place and make you to be a person who toughly survive in an every situation.

I was totally lost in the worst world. The wind blew fiercely as it brought me away from the place where I belong to. I could not clearly see yet my soul was extremely fervent looking at the murky aisle. The brute’s sound was snapping, harder and harder, deafening my ears. My vacant gaze tried to spank it but I could not. I am kind of speck who don't have a clout. I just blubbered drowning my fate as I realized that I was thrown away by two people who should watch out my every little steps. They contemptuously banished my life. I was trapped in the seabed. It was like swimming with an anchor around my ankles and my hands in handcuffs. 

I am a crumbly person and kind of neglected who easily fly away to the strange place. Here I am with another hands, another heartbeats, and another sores. I am placed in a hut surrounded by bushes. The opposite of it, there is a large natural stream of water flowing. In the corner of the small yard, a coconut tree rises up. The woods, gnawed by mud and mold, are brittle as they could not prop the foundation anymore. When moon is already on the top, the wind pierces the bone throughout the hole of the woven made of bamboo. When foot are stepped, the ground welcomes. Spiders decorate every corner hanging on the wall. New zone grows me up to be a person who live only in a dream. Creating this lunacy is not my decision. Universe does by sending fierce wind as a medium to escape without any direction. 

The sun has not arisen yet I am ready to go walking down through the forest. This is what I do every morning since my father could not take me to the school. He was a builder who worked twelve hours per a day. One day, when he set up the roof tiles, he got an accident that made him lost his hands. His condition is getting worst since he could not go the hospital for another treatment. He has been laying on the bed withstanding the pain for almost two years. His eyes looks empty and dark circles are clearly shown under his eyes. There is extremely heartache that distracts his life every single time. Making one step forward to survive is impossible to do because his foot are paralyzed. He thought that there is no reason anymore to keep up his life. However, I still need his life to keep me alive. 

‘Are you crazy?’ I am standing at the open door.

‘What do you mean?’My mother is going nearer to me. 

‘You never understand me properly! I need more money!’ I shout loudly.

Day after day has changed, my soul is getting worst. Pain, failure, and disappointment come without any permission and hit my life harder. I am a foolish young girl who have a high temperamental. I indiscriminately complain every day without doing any action. I could not live anymore in this horrible awakening. Seven years ago, I had my pride and joy. I was saved. Now this strange place destroys all my happiness and ruins all my future. A little light of hope is important to survive in the small box and I am exhausted being here where there is no any light. 

One thing that I can only do is begging to the God. Talking about religion, I was born to be Hindu yet I grow up to be a Christian. My mother also was born to be Hindu yet she lives with my father, the helpless man, to be a Christian. We are Christian now. What on earth is going on? I don't terribly understand and I don't even care. However, I still dimly remember. My ears were used to get mantra of Hindu and it has been gone now. I only pray with my own words every night before I sleep. Does not God understand every languages? I know it is quite weird since I don’t exactly know what the religion is.

‘Sarah, go out and find some fire woods!’ My mother wakes me up.

‘Wait a moment.’ I reply with a sleepy tone. 

‘Hurry up then!’ 

Every Sunday morning, I’d rather to go to the field finding my own happiness. Playing with dandelion, a small flower that grows wild, while looking for some fire woods is sufficient to refresh my soul, but this time my feeling is not like usual. I should be happy yet I have been thinking anxiously about home all day long. When the sun goes down, I immediately go back home. I could not hear my father’s voice who always greets me when coming home. I see the whole home with blank stares. My body is numb hearing my mother’s scream. I trapped in the darkest of my life. Another terrible storm is drowning my heart because my father, the helpless man, has passed away. 

‘It is your fault! You had to find more money so we can go to the hospital!’ I brutally blame my mother. 

‘You don’t understand.’ She replies calmly while crying.

‘I don’t understand with you. You cruelly let him lying in the bed without doing any efforts!’ 

‘You don’t even understand the condition of the world in which you live!’ She answers angrily with a high-tone. 

I am still a kid. I am 14 years old. Why do I have so many heartless difficulties in my path? It is totally not fair! In this old hut, two hopeless people left. I only have one person who will quietly hug me when I feel cold but I still could not notice her. She is the reason why I am being here since she could not bear a child. Losing my father is like a bomb which I don’t know when will explode and everything falls apart and takes really long time to or never recover. I feel so heavy and I am mentally depressed as it makes my body physically difficult to move. I feel like there are invisible weights on me. I don’t have a little affection to show me that my life means more than my sadness. A little being to show me what love really is. 

Year by year, I grow up to be a person who is never grateful for what I have. I don’t even closer with the God. The middle-aged woman, my mother, still work as a farmer from early morning to evening. I am too apathetic to help her since I could not accept how she treats me improperly. I don’t get what I want. I am so lonely that even darkness is my best friend who always faithfully follows my step. I realize that I am only debris who was thrown by. My school is such a mess since I don’t have more spirit as I am mentally and physically depressed. Where should I look for my happiness?

‘It is 5.30 A.M. I have to go to school, Mom.’ As I have her cold hands. 

She scans my face without replying.

She is definitely not my pulse yet she willingly pushes me to be a real human. Playing at the field while looking for some fire woods is a good combination. However, she constantly asks me to get a better education. She is a farmer who stealthily having a lot of debt since my father could not work for us anymore. I feel extremely cold like standing alone on a peak of the iceberg after seeing a debt’s paper of hers by the chance. The numbers are brilliant. I couldn’t control it. It is hurt stepping foot to the place where my mother has to owe money. I deeply feel what my father feels. Being a reason on my mother’s sore is mentally crazy. 

‘Are you okay?’ I gracefully whisper to her. 

‘I am fine.’ 

She replies with a cold tone. 

I know and I totally know that she screams loudly yet in silent. She always says that words but her gesture could not cover what she feels. She is the best artist in a scenario of life who could cover all the struggles with silence and smile. I totally know that she is drowning underwater and screaming for a help but everyone else that is on a yacht not even noticing her. I am one of those people who don't have any power to notice her. I realize that I am only debris who make her struggling to find money. Should I stop studying? When I am out of the way, she will be free, right? The earth would be dry without rain and life would not be completed without purpose. So far, I don't even know the purpose why I was born. Why should I be born if I only make people straitened? Is it a harsh behave, right?

As always, In the Sunday morning, I play with the dandelion while looking for some fire woods. In that point, I could see my mother hoeing in the field and sheltering herself under the rice paddy hat. Her sweat pours out profusely wetting her wrinkled face as she works under the sun. My heart is extremely touched. Looking at the woman, who is struggling for me, teaches me a lot. At noon, I go back home and I see a paper by chance in the kitchen, beside the fireplace. It is such a relief to accept that life is basically all about suffering. I should value every moment of my life where the most beloved ones is still alive. My tears are falling profusely when I read each of the words.

‘Why are you crying?’ My mother walks in and looks steadily at me.

‘I have never felt my mind so clear as now. I am so sorry for everything that I have done.’

‘I have waited so patiently for five years and I am so happy to hear that.’ She says with a growing look of coldness in her face

‘You should not suffer for my sake.’ I hug her tightly while blubbering.

Everything happens for a reason and I am being here for growing up to be a person who will have a beautiful soul and mind. The harsh thoughts and feelings kill slowly my whole day as it is the big reason why I was hopeless and was being a person who cruelly complain anything. Most of the people tend to see the possibility in the term of wealth and position. For me, escaping from the seabed with an anchor around my ankles and my hands in handcuffs is a miracle. Being depressed for so long gives me something that I consider as a strength. I greatly deal with the depression now since I gently start to love this stranger place. I start to forget my past, the real happiness, and stop complaining as I thought that everybody has a thousand of problems.

With the problems that come repeatedly, I purely know the essence of living and growing. I grow up to be flown away to the new place which might be cruel. However, I have proven that I could live in this stranger place with all the struggles. Adapting to a unfamiliar place is extremely not easy since I have experienced a lot of chronic pains in it. I even don’t know how to pray properly, I don’t exactly know how to treat my parents politely, and I brutally blame the situation. I feel like I am very temperamental and depressed. However, as time goes by, I could see the world clearly and I prove that I could pass this horrible moment by wiping my harsh thoughts out. Perhaps, some of the people feel that it is not a brilliant and an unimportant case. I don’t even care with their thoughts, but for me, being able to deal with the obstacles and adapt to the stranger place is an impossibility that possibly happens. This is my pride since I could make a peace with my own darkness. 

This is not the end, I might be flown away to another place with another sores if the universe sends the fierce wind into my life. I might have another chronic pains which will suddenly punch my face. I might be surrounded by a devil. As a human being, I don’t know exactly what would happen in the future as it might be cruel or marvellous. However, I am possible to face it mentally and physically as ready as Dandelion which I will bloom beautifully despite the direction and the place. I will love my life, whatever it is, dancing with the fierce wind as it will fall me into a strange place and make me to be a person who toughly survive in an every situation.